I’ve watched the Lord of the Rings appendices about… ninety times. Maybe thirty times. Many times. Every time I watch them my heart is moved by the passion and the love and the intensity of the effort they all shared in producing some of the greatest films of all time. I almost hate to watch it because I want so badly to belong to something like that. I want to do something like that. That’s how I want to live my life! The best will come out of me because I will be demanded and called to give my best every day, in pursuit of the movie, the story, the image. Something. I don’t necessarily even care what the something is, I just want with all my heart to engage.
I want to engage my heart in what it’s made to do. I want to work long hours, if that’s what’s needed. I want to give all that I have to make it just that much better, even if no one else can see what I’ve done. Layers of passion make the wardrobe for the LotR, the undergarments are “utterly beautiful” in the words of Hugo Weaving who plays Elrond.
There’s nothing in my life right now that has anything to do with “utterly beautiful.” I approach it while I’m working on the blog, or the card images, or writing the family stories. I spend a lot of time at work but I am un-engaged, deliberately so. If I even begin to hope that there will be something I can do where it’s safe to let myself out of the bag, it’s immediately crushed in ridicule, shame, or guilt, and I’ll have no more of that.
This is training? Yes, this is training my heart to rely on God, not on the whims of some broken boss who’s got his own issues that include taking the whole world on his shoulders and then moping around with bowed head because he’s got so much to do, and then begging for “understanding” when he acts like a jerk because he’s got “so much on his mind.” “Out of a man’s heart his mouth speaks.” Evidence here of anger and bitterness. I’ll let go of that now, and move on.
The only wisdom I can offer to my life right now is an image. I’m following Jesus, though he’s not visible to my naked eye. The path is sand, ankle-deep sand, and for miles upon miles is sand. It’s not steep, it’s not dangerous. It’s just boring hard walking, every step an effort with little measurable result. And I believe the promises He’s given. I believe the best is yet to come. I believe that when I’m ready the next season will come.
I take another step.